Never is a Promise
by jacyevans
Summary: Songfic to "Never is a Promise" by Fiona Apple; Hermione is mad at Harry because he said three simple words to her. Now, he tries to rectify his actions, and it ends in a way neither of them would expect...


A/N: This one's a bit different from my other ones. It jumps from Harry's point of view to Hermione's point of view, and then to the third person (If you understood any of that, I'm happy for you, cuz I barely did, LoL.) In any event, it will be obvious who's thinking or speaking. I promise.  
  
Disclaimer: Songfic to Fiona Apple's "Never is a Promise" with characters from J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter." In other words, nothing is mine ::sigh::  
  
~* Never is a Promise *~  
  
You'll never see - the courage I know  
  
Its color's richness won't appear within your view  
  
I'll never glow - the way that you glow  
  
Your presence dominates the judgement made on you.  
  
"Harry? Harry?"  
  
"What? Oh, sorry Ron."  
  
::sigh:: Why did I come here again? Oh yeah. Dumbledore asked me to. I wish I could take back my answer. I don't want to be here, to see her.  
  
Her.  
  
Gods, I made the biggest mistake of my life with her.  
  
And look, there she is. Merlin, she looks stunning. Why does she insist on torturing me? She always seems to light up a room when she enters. Her presence does something to you. To me. She's perfect, absolutely -  
  
And ignoring me.  
  
::sigh:: I can't say I blame her. I'd ignore myself if I could.  
  
She's coming over here - nope, Ron's going over there. Good. I'd rather not face her tonight. I don't have the courage.  
  
Courage. One of the traits of us Gryffindors, one I value greatly. Besides loyalty, the Terrible Trio always kept bravery close to our hearts. Everything always seems brighter, richer even, when you're attempting to be brave, whether it be fighting Voldemort, or tripping Filch under the Invisibility Cloak, knowing very well that you could get caught so much easier that way. There's an adrenaline rush that comes with it.  
  
Where's that courage now, when I need it most?  
  
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights  
  
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception  
  
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights  
  
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you  
  
They're coming over here. Stay calm Harry. Stay calm...and she's gone. Perfect.  
  
"Ron, I'm going to take a walk. I'll be back."  
  
"Ok. Harry, is there something going on that I should know about?"  
  
"Why don't you ask Hermione?" Nice one, Potter.  
  
I said I was going for a walk. I need to get my thoughts together. So here I am in the Astronomy Tower, thinking about what an idiot I am. Every time I'm here, I think about her. I realized while I was here, Seventh Year, that I loved her. I wanted to tell her just then, but she was going out with Ron, and they were "madly in love." Or at least that's what I thought - they had a mutual break-up right after graduation. And I STILL haven't made a move.  
  
::sigh::  
  
It's amazing that it took a huge fight for me to realize how much I really love her. Everything is different when she's around - my feelings, any emotion. I get swept away with a tide of this love I feel for her.  
  
But I haven't told her. I haven't told her anything. I know it's wrong.  
  
I know I'm wrong.  
  
Damn you and your pride, Potter.  
  
You say you understand - but you don't understand  
  
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye  
  
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.  
  
She's beautiful. She's always been beautiful. Why did it take me so long to realize she's beautiful? It's a weird time for me to realize this, considering we just had the biggest fight of our lives - well, our lives with each other. All because of three simple words, three words I wish I'd never said to her face -  
  
You'll never understand.  
  
Thought it was something else entirely didn't you? No, I haven't uttered that phrase yet, not out loud anyway. Do I love her? A resounding "yes". I'd shout it from the rooftops if I knew that she felt the same. It's funny, I was going to tell her tonight. What's tonight? Of all nights, it's Christmas, and yes, we're at Hogwarts. Dumbledore invited us for some party with all the other people from our year since - for once - all of the students went home to their families.  
  
Ah yes, family. That's how I got into this predicament, isn't it? I told her she'd never understand what it was like to not have a family. Honestly, I can't even remember how the argument started, just how it ended. Three small words, and my whole life seemed to come crashing down - you'll never understand.  
  
We promised each other we'd avoid saying those two words - never and forever. Nobody knows what forever is and "never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie." We hardly ever lie to each other. Not if we can avoid it.  
  
I wish I'd never said it - there's that damned word again. Forever haunting me - no, not forever, just for now.  
  
::sigh::  
  
Merlin, I'm a fool.  
  
You'll never touch - these things that I hold  
  
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own  
  
You'll never feel - the heat of this soul  
  
My fever burns me deeper then I've ever shown - to you.  
  
Don't leave. Oh Merlin, please don't leave.  
  
He's gone.  
  
::sigh::  
  
I really messed up, didn't I? All because of three stupid, simple words.  
  
You'll never understand.  
  
How dare he? I'm his best friend for Christ sake! I understand more than he'll EVER know, like how he hates whatever family he has left, how much he misses Sirius, how he considers Ron and I the only family he'll ever have, how much I love him...  
  
Love him? Where did that come from? Oh, screw it. Who am I kidding, I love him. I've always loved him. I love him more then he'll ever know. Every time he's near, I get that fluttery, butterfly feeling in my stomach. Every time he touches me, it sends this shock through me, like I'm tingling all over. I love him with the very depth of my soul, this passion that I wonder if I can control whenever he's near me.  
  
I just wish he could understand. I mean, I've dropped hints like bombs on him, I'm sure he knows. But he'll never realize how deep my love lies beneath my skin in the depths of my being.  
  
I wonder where he went. It was just three words...  
  
Merlin, what have I done?  
  
You say, don't fear your dreams, it's easier then it seems  
  
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high  
  
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.  
  
"Hermione, what's going on between you and Harry?" Ron asked.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Ha! Nothing? Since when do you lie to your best friends, Granger?  
  
"Don't lie to me Hermione."  
  
"I'm - " ::sigh:: Don't lie to him. Never lie to him - no, wait. Not never. Just if you can avoid it.  
  
"Harry and I had a fight last night." Yeah, that explains it.  
  
"About..."  
  
Do I REALLY have to give him a lengthy explanation?  
  
"Look, I don't want to talk about it. Actually, I kind of want to go find him. Do you know where he went?" Smooth move Hermione, very smooth.  
  
"He said he needed to think, so..."  
  
Oh, forget it.  
  
"Never mind Ron. I'll - I'll see you later."  
  
Walk way. Just walk away...  
  
So, now I can't even talk to my best friends? That's bloody brilliant of you Granger.  
  
::sigh:: Well, at least now that I'm alone, I can think about what I'm going to say to Harry. I'm not - I don't want to be mad at him. But, can you blame me? Friends for ten years, and he thinks that I can't understand. But I understand all too well, because I love him so much. To be perfectly honest, I'm scared to be with him, I've dreamed about it for so long. Harry used to tell me not to fear my dreams, my hopes, my desires because he'd never let me fall from grace.  
  
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.  
  
Its amazing how one little word can cause so much trouble. It should be banned from the vocabulary entirely.  
  
::sigh::  
  
Oh Harry -  
  
Wait a minute.  
  
"Harry?"  
  
Oh no. Oh please, tell me I didn't just run into the one person I've been trying to avoid.  
  
But I'd recognize that hair, that body, those gorgeous green eyes anywhere.  
  
"Hermione?"  
  
Oh boy...  
  
You'll never live - this life that I live  
  
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night  
  
You'll never hear - the message I give  
  
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight.  
  
"Hi."  
  
Is that the best you can do?  
  
"Hi."  
  
Well, at least he's as nervous as I am.  
  
"So, umm...you were avoiding me tonight."  
  
He's laughing. Why is he laughing at me?  
  
~*  
  
"I was avoiding YOU?" Yeah, right. If she only knew how much I'd NOT like to avoid her. "No 'Mione, you were ignoring me."  
  
"You can't be serious!"  
  
Here we go again.  
  
"What, are we picking up where we left off?"  
  
"I guess so!"  
  
I don't need this...  
  
"Don't you walk away from me Harry Potter!"  
  
"God damnit Hermione, what the hell do you want from me?"  
  
~*  
  
"What do I want? You REALLY want to know what I want Potter?"  
  
I can't believe I'm about to do this.  
  
"Yeah. I REALLY want to know!"  
  
I'm surprised the whole castle doesn't hear us, we're screaming so loud.  
  
"Fine!"  
  
I pull his head to mine and...  
  
~*  
  
She's kissing me. Gods, she's...wait a second. Weren't we just fighting? Not that I want to stop. I never want to stop. That could be a problem...  
  
~*  
  
He said I'd never understand. I don't want to understand. I don't want to live a life that wakes me in the night. I just want to be the one to hold him close when that does happen. I was about to give up. He never got the message. But Merlin, I think he understands now.  
  
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights  
  
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception  
  
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights  
  
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you.  
  
They were pressed up against each other, so close they could scarcely breathe. Nothing else in the world mattered but what they were about to do. This was beyond friendship now. This was pure, heated desire, fueled by a love that had been pent up for too long.  
  
"Harry." Hermione said gasping. "We need to stop. Just - just for a minute..." Harry was kissing her neck and shoulders and Hermione was suddenly happy she hadn't worn a dress with straps. She pulled his mouth back to hers.  
  
Harry's hands were nowhere and everywhere at once. She felt those familiar tingling sensations every place his fingertips met her skin, like electricity. Before she realized what she was doing, Hermione was pulling Harry's robes from his shoulders and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. Harry was struggling with the zipper of her dress.  
  
"Just pull Harry." Hermione said breathlessly.  
  
"It's stuck."  
  
"Then leave it. Just kiss me. We have all night for that."  
  
Harry pulled Hermione to him again, her lips against his, his tongue teasing hers. Hermione hadn't felt true desire until this very moment. Every sense was intensified tenfold every time Harry's hand merely brushed over her shoulders. She couldn't believe she was doing this with Harry. Hadn't this begun as an argument between friends?  
  
~*  
  
Gods, I was wrong. It was stupid of me to start a fight over something as petty as that one phrase. Not when I could have had this instead. Merlin, he tastes good.  
  
~*  
  
When did we get to this stage? Somewhere between fumbling with her zipper and throwing my robes aside, I realized how wrong I was. But this isn't the time to mention that. Just keep your mouth shut for once Potter. And instead tell her you love her.  
  
I love her.  
  
~*  
  
I love him.  
  
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand  
  
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why  
  
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am  
  
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry  
  
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie.  
  
Merlin, when did this happen? One minute we were kissing, the next minute, I'm lying naked in his arms.  
  
Not just any arms.  
  
Harry's arms.  
  
The arms of the man I love.  
  
Time has officially ceased to exist. Everyone's probably wondering where the hell we wandered off to. But who's thinking about them? Right now, all that matters is Harry.  
  
It's funny how people have been telling me for years that Harry is in love with me. I was in denial, even to myself - I don't love him. They don't know me, or him for that matter if they think that we're in love. I even thought those same three words -  
  
You'll never understand. You'll never have what we have.  
  
They all say they do, but maybe, they don't. Maybe - maybe they can't. Maybe they never will.  
  
Never - huh. Maybe it is okay to say never every once in a while.  
  
~*  
  
This is a dream. This has to be a dream. I'll wake up and not know how or why I dreamt this, but it'll be a dream...  
  
Nope. I'm awake. And she's still here...crying? Oh gods, I hate it when she cries. It breaks my heart.  
  
Merlin, I love her.  
  
~*  
  
"'Mione."  
  
Hermione sniffled a little bit and Harry kissed away the tears on her cheeks.  
  
"Promise me something Harry." Hermione said, close to a whisper.  
  
"Anything."  
  
Hermione sat up. "Promise me that you won't tell me this was a dream. Promise that if this doesn't work out, we'll go back to some sort of normal. Promise that - "  
  
"Shh..." Harry pressed his thumb to her lips and then tilted up her chin, kissing her thoroughly, calming and soothing her.  
  
"I love you Harry."  
  
"I love you too Hermione. And I'll never stop."  
  
Hermione laughed softly against his lips.  
  
"Stay with me forever" She said.  
  
"I'll never leave your side."  
  
Their eyes met for a short glance, but they both ignored the thought that ran through their heads and just kissed, without a care in the world.  
  
~*  
  
Nobody knows what forever is, Hermione. I'll love you as long as I live.  
  
~*  
  
I'll love you as long as I live. Never is a promise, Harry, and you can't afford to lie. 


End file.
